Torn

Can moms have dreams and passions?

I mean, really, I ask myself this frequently.

 

Are we only supposed to focus on our kids? Do others see us as selfish if we spend time on finding ourselves and what we love and want to do with our lives?

 

I went to graduate school for Criminal Justice. I regret that decision every time I think about it. I beat myself up over the fact that I incurred a crazy amount of debt to end up not working.

 

The only thing about graduate school I don’t regret is meeting my wonderful husband and living in a city that I fell in love with. I’m guessing that was all part of God’s plan for me.

 
But, as I look back on my life, criminal justice was just the safest path I could have taken. Really, I wanted to be a interior designer or museum curator. I’m creative and love art and culture and history and decorating.

 
But, I thought it would be safer to go to law school. I thought this would be the best way to actually have a career and make money.
As you can see, this is something that never happened for me.

 

So now, in my 30’s and 3 children later, I’m getting this pull to do something. The problem is, I don’t know what that something is.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and taking care of them, I see it as my vocation at this time in my life. But, part of me wants more. I want a passion. I want to wake up and be excited for what I have to do that day.

 

As I am writing this, I am feeling guilty for these thoughts. For not feeling satisfied with being around my children 24/7. But, I am literally not without them except for the occasional grocery run when my husband is home.

 

So, how does a mom who doesn’t get alone time, find her passions?

 
How, in a world full of toys, feedings, fights, cleaning and baths, do we get to do or even find out what we are good at?

 
I do have hobbies. Maybe too many. I float between reading, running, exercising, crocheting, writing  and decorating my home.

 
I’m always thinking, constantly. My mind races with ideas and things I want to do.

 
But, I’m either too scared, don’t know what to do, or not confident enough in myself.

 
My husband once asked me what I would want to do if I went back to work. In my mind it was, “work at an art museum, go on an anthropological dig (my college minor), or design store front concepts.” Instead, though, out loud I said, “well, something flexible so I can spend time with the kids and leave work if I need to be with them.” I then started getting anxious and said, “I can’t go back to work, the kids will need me.”

 

I’m torn. I know right now I need to be at home. I can’t truly imagine myself anywhere else, doing anything else at this time in my life. Something I could never imagine myself thinking or saying 10 years ago.

 
But then, again, i do want to do something…

 
This post is kind of all over the place, but, so is my mind right now.

 
The question I ask myself however, “Is it ever too late? Am I getting too old?”

 

Am I selfish if I want other things in my life?

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4 thoughts on “Torn

  1. Gosh. I feel you. I also went to college, accrued a ton of debt, and never used my degree. I’ve had all these thoughts float in my mind more than once. Can I pursue my dreams? Can I actually participate in my passions? I don’t know. Part of me even wonders what my dreams and passions are. I feel like I’ve forgotten… I want to do something else, for myself, but at the same time I don’t want to be anywhere else. I want to be home with my kid. I wouldn’t want to relinquish that job to anyone. It seems like a strange and difficult balance. I think it’s important that we don’t forget ourselves and what we love. Somehow we have to find a way to stay connected to what we are passionate about in the midst of motherhood. For me, that’s a lot of the reason I started blogging. God didn’t put our passions and the love for our families on our heart for no reason. I guess, maybe timing is everything?

    Liked by 1 person

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